Veni, Vidi, Vici...
Another crazy week in Bangladesh...
Tuesday was Bengali New Year, or Pohela Boishakh. I wish I could describe the festivities, but I've been stuck in my room since that afternoon, battling against... actually I have no idea, I went to the hospital and they couldn't diagnose me, so I've been trying to sleep it off for 3 days...
So of course, that gave a lot of time to think...
I think one of my biggest flaws has always been trying to do too much at the same time; trying to fit too much in, trying to achieve too much, constantly adding more and more, even when it's obvious that I can't take anything else on. I know this about myself, I acknowledge it. Unfortunately I can't help it, it just seems to happen, despite, or perhaps in spite, of my best efforts. I try to concentrate on just one thing, but I seem to constantly be pulled in different directions; I used to think that meant I was heading towards different goals, but now I'm not even so sure of that anymore.
Yesterday I awarded medals to my ISD Girls Basketball Team for their performance. Being on campus reminded me yet again how much I wanted to, still want to, be a teacher.
A few days previously I hit a huge shot to take us to the finals in a basketball tournament, reminding me how badly I used to want to play this game professionally.
When I play tennis, I constantly think back to Newcombe's Camp and Hewitt, and remember how easily I could have pursued it as a career.
When I tackle yet another legal problem, I know how easy it would be to follow Kami's path and get rich off the legal profession.
When I capture a great moment, or somehow come up with a nice piece, I wonder if I should have seriously followed up journalism.
When I read about or talk to Omar and James, I remember how deep I was into music and writing, and wonder if I should have pursued it, whether the verses and words and turns and flows could have given me the satisfaction I seek.
Maka always talks about people like being problem solvers. I like being a problem solver, I genuinely enjoy it... however there are times, such as today, for example, where I see the problems are so petty and so obviously self-inflicted that it causes me to question the value of rebuilding, when demolishing and restarting seem so much more appropriate.
And so back I come to Development. Could there be a more ambiguous, self-serving, bizarre industry? In journalism, your notebook is your bible; your sources and footnotes, if they can be termed as such, are your reference points and evidence of your facts... in Law, everything needs support, needs proof, needs collaboration, correlation, needs to have a constant.
In development, the base of your work need only be as concrete as a cloud... merely espousing the term of the day can be cause enough for funding, for a project, for an organization... "we seek to eliminate poverty"... "we are committed to capacity development"... and so on and so forth...
For someone like me, sorry Maka, someone like us, it's a frustrating situation. By no means do I consider myself an "in the box" problem solver, however a central part of working paradigm is that problems need to be identified in order to be addressed... the vague waffling of development linguistics, however, seems to pride itself on the blurred representation of ideals, rather than clear and precise definitions...
So when I inevitably begin to get frustrated at these absurdities, I turn to other avenues for release, such as basketball... and within the week I'm coaching a team... or playing in a tournament... or organizing camps... I slip so easily back to my plate-filling habits... did I mention I teach a hip-hop class now? OK Krissan, you can stop laughing now...
Here's the most absurd part; because I have so much on my plate, I end of being more focused than ever on my primary task, in many ways due to a fear of failure... so I become more critical of the flaws, where they are easily avoidable. I become more frustrated by the inadequacies, where they are blatant. I am more adversely affected by the faults where they come as a result of blind stupidity...
Simply wanting to contribute is never enough. Having good intentions is not an excuse for inefficiency or inadequacy.
This post went off into a bit of a tangent there, but I think I can pull it back: I try to do as much as I can because I know that I can do it.
Try to find a more tenuous link today. I dare you.
Tuesday was Bengali New Year, or Pohela Boishakh. I wish I could describe the festivities, but I've been stuck in my room since that afternoon, battling against... actually I have no idea, I went to the hospital and they couldn't diagnose me, so I've been trying to sleep it off for 3 days...
So of course, that gave a lot of time to think...
I think one of my biggest flaws has always been trying to do too much at the same time; trying to fit too much in, trying to achieve too much, constantly adding more and more, even when it's obvious that I can't take anything else on. I know this about myself, I acknowledge it. Unfortunately I can't help it, it just seems to happen, despite, or perhaps in spite, of my best efforts. I try to concentrate on just one thing, but I seem to constantly be pulled in different directions; I used to think that meant I was heading towards different goals, but now I'm not even so sure of that anymore.
Yesterday I awarded medals to my ISD Girls Basketball Team for their performance. Being on campus reminded me yet again how much I wanted to, still want to, be a teacher.
A few days previously I hit a huge shot to take us to the finals in a basketball tournament, reminding me how badly I used to want to play this game professionally.
When I play tennis, I constantly think back to Newcombe's Camp and Hewitt, and remember how easily I could have pursued it as a career.
When I tackle yet another legal problem, I know how easy it would be to follow Kami's path and get rich off the legal profession.
When I capture a great moment, or somehow come up with a nice piece, I wonder if I should have seriously followed up journalism.
When I read about or talk to Omar and James, I remember how deep I was into music and writing, and wonder if I should have pursued it, whether the verses and words and turns and flows could have given me the satisfaction I seek.
Maka always talks about people like being problem solvers. I like being a problem solver, I genuinely enjoy it... however there are times, such as today, for example, where I see the problems are so petty and so obviously self-inflicted that it causes me to question the value of rebuilding, when demolishing and restarting seem so much more appropriate.
And so back I come to Development. Could there be a more ambiguous, self-serving, bizarre industry? In journalism, your notebook is your bible; your sources and footnotes, if they can be termed as such, are your reference points and evidence of your facts... in Law, everything needs support, needs proof, needs collaboration, correlation, needs to have a constant.
In development, the base of your work need only be as concrete as a cloud... merely espousing the term of the day can be cause enough for funding, for a project, for an organization... "we seek to eliminate poverty"... "we are committed to capacity development"... and so on and so forth...
For someone like me, sorry Maka, someone like us, it's a frustrating situation. By no means do I consider myself an "in the box" problem solver, however a central part of working paradigm is that problems need to be identified in order to be addressed... the vague waffling of development linguistics, however, seems to pride itself on the blurred representation of ideals, rather than clear and precise definitions...
So when I inevitably begin to get frustrated at these absurdities, I turn to other avenues for release, such as basketball... and within the week I'm coaching a team... or playing in a tournament... or organizing camps... I slip so easily back to my plate-filling habits... did I mention I teach a hip-hop class now? OK Krissan, you can stop laughing now...
Here's the most absurd part; because I have so much on my plate, I end of being more focused than ever on my primary task, in many ways due to a fear of failure... so I become more critical of the flaws, where they are easily avoidable. I become more frustrated by the inadequacies, where they are blatant. I am more adversely affected by the faults where they come as a result of blind stupidity...
Simply wanting to contribute is never enough. Having good intentions is not an excuse for inefficiency or inadequacy.
This post went off into a bit of a tangent there, but I think I can pull it back: I try to do as much as I can because I know that I can do it.
Try to find a more tenuous link today. I dare you.
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