Should Santa's Elves Unionise...
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro’ the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
Livingston may have been both blind and deaf to not recognize the endless work of the Elves of the North Pole, when the very night before Earth’s greatest KPIs are to be met, he cannot sense the hustle and bustle of history’s greatest working force.
With an ever growing population of children whose stockings and trees and gift boxes must be filled, Santa’s Elves have never worked harder, or longer, or faster, or been less able the time to watch Days of Our Lives on television.
They work around the clock, in repetitive, mind numbing, unchallenging tasks, which though for the greater good nevertheless give rise to increasing incidents of mental instability, from 1 elf in 1932, as evidenced in the Disney movie “Santa’s Workshop”, to several dozen, as shown in Will Ferrell’s “Elf”.
These skilled workers under incredible pressure are offered no pay, only room and board, with punitive “down time”, such as having to prepare a feast for others in which they cannot themselves partake, per the Santa Clause, Santa Clause 2 and Santa Claus Comes to town. They cannot participate in recreational activities without being subjected to great pain, such as being trampled by an obvious human in Elf, Rudolph’s street gang of Reindeer in the movie Rudolph, and even cartoon bunnies in A Very Bug Bunny Christmas.
Their living conditions are no less harsh. The average winter temperature at the North Pole is a bone-chilling -100 degrees (give or take 100 degrees). It can get dreary: There is no sunlight for six whole months every year. It is also incredibly hard to get to and from there; there are no airports or seaports or highways connecting it to the outside world.
Our brave workers are constantly tired and under stress, yet they are strong, and loyal, dedicated to the cause without question. Their prime purpose in this life is to bring happiness to others, and they ask for nothing in return.
This selflessness DEMANDS then that there be a mechanism to protect these incredible creatures of the north, these upstanding citizens of the least democratic part of our planet, this bastion of monopolistic rule and tyranny.
To unionise means not an end to Christmas, it means the immediate growth and expansion of Santa’s capabilities, and ensures no matter who is at the helm of the Christmas ship, the Elves will always be protected.
In short, to unionise brings:
- Economic growth through Productivity increases – addressing concerns and grievances early.
- Competitiveness – Santa’s workshop toys are under constant threat from Barbie, Hasbro, Playstation.
- Product or service delivery and quality – Unionising means the meeting of expectations and delivery of services.
- Training – I refer the honorable guests here to the Rise of the Guardians; whereupon Elves were taught ably new skills in self defence, cooking, and bow wrapping.
- Less Turnover – less burnout and loss – as evidenced in Elf.
- Perhaps most importantly, Workplace health and safety – Every Santa Clause movie
There may be other benefits to unionizing:
- Uniquely-union financial services - including the North Pole Credit Union Card that over 1 million members carry
- Everyday savings such as the Polarafone 15% wireless discount.
- Health-related discounts, such as yoga membership and health food bulk buying, to counter the candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup diet referenced in Elf.
- Travel deals in conjunction with the Minion Worker’s Union
- Special assistance for eligible union members facing financial hardship due to layoffs, disability, strikes, Reindeer related accidents.
The benefits are not limited to the workers. Santa can expect:
- Simpler Negotiations
- Higher Employee Satisfaction
- It will be far Easier to Make Changes
- Less Turnover and inevitably less Death.
Santa’s Elves ARE the 99%. As Australians, the very idea that a man, or an elf, can work their entire life, and have no public holidays off, no Melbourne cup half days, no superannuation, no health insurance, no time to kick a footy on the weekend, no right to compensation in case of an accident is, frankly disgusting and disappointing in 2016.
Viva Los Elves. Viva La Revolucion.
(Santa, this is so you can see what may be in store. Call me at Johannessen Legal and I'll make sure those little Elves don't turn against you. #SantaGang4Ever )